DAVID 674
“Don’t mind me,” said Brad. “I just forgot my keys.”
David didn’t even bother to look up from his textbooks. “Uh huh.”
Brad grabbed his keys and turned on his heels, quiet as a mouse.
“Hey! Wait!” yelled David. “Whoa! That is a cool shirt!”
“Thanks. Uh, I gotta go.”
“Wait! That is so cool! Where’d you get it?”
“Somewhere. Listen…I really have to go.”
“Where are you going?”
“The Boom Boom Room is having a Best Chest In The West contest and I–oops.” He smacked his hand over his mouth.
“THEY ARE?!?!?!?!!”
Now Brad smacked his forehead and grimaced.
“Gosh, I haven’t been to the Boom Boom Room in ages!”
“Oh! “ Said Brad, his hand still on his forehead. “My bad. It was last night. I’m just going to announce the winner, hand out the prize, you know..”
“Aww.”
“Later, dude.”
“Hey. Do you want me to go along? I could be your “wing man” tonight if–”
“No!”
“Maybe I could–”
“No!”
David looked down at his books. “Really. This can totally wait.”
“No it can’t,” insisted Brad. “You said you got a test coming up.”
“On Friday. I don’t need–”
“No! You stay here. The Boom Boom Room’s not going anywhere. It’ll be there Saturday. Maybe we can go then.”
David pouted. “Okay.”
“I’m late. Gotta go.”
“Oh! Before you go, um….do you think I could try it on?”
“Huh?”
“Your shirt. Do you think I could try it on?”
“No!”
“Just for a minute?”
“No!”
“Please?”
“No! You’ll stretch it all out of shape.”
“I promise to be real careful.”
“Later maybe.”
“Or maybe I could meet you at the Boom Boom Room after and–maybe–I could……..it’s such a cool shirt.”
Brad sighed, his hands in fists. He began to undo the latches that hooked each chain to the leather. “HURRY…UP!”
David crossed his arms and tried again to pull the shirt over his head. “I don’t understand,,” he said. “It went on with no trouble at all. Popped on like a glove.”
Brad tried to lift the shirt up from the bottom hem but the leather stuck tight to David’s upper body. “Just relax! Let me do the pulling!””
David lifted his hands over his head. “Maybe if you get up on a chair and pull it straight up.”
“Don’t move!”
“If I move, my lats flex or my pecs flex and–”
“Don’t move! When you blink something flexes!”
“Maybe if I lie down.”
“Will you be quiet?”
“Maybe if we get some lube and squeeze it between my back and the shirt?”
“No. It’ll stain the leather.” Brad grabbed a chair and stood on it. He grabbed the shoulders of the shirt and pulled up. “Raise you arms!”
David complied. Brad pulled.
“Maybe if I take a deep breath–”
“No don’t take a deep breath! The rivets are nearly tearing the leather as it is.”
“Oh,” said David. “Well maybe if I exhale really hard and don’t breathe in….”
“That might work,” Brad said angrily. “Don’t breathe for a few minutes. Like ten minutes!”
David chuckled. “Well Brad I have to breathe. I’ll die if I don’t breathe.”
“And your point is? At least I’d have my shirt back!”
“Maybe we could take the hooks off.”
“How?”
“Mmm…with pliers?”
“Hold still!”
“Too bad it’s not hot out. A little sweat might help.”
“Don’t sweat in my shirt! I should have known something like this would happen!”
“I feel terrible about–ow!”
Brad pulled again.
‘“OW!”
Brad pulled again.”
“OWWW! WAIT! My chest hair’s caught in one of the little chains!”
Brad pulled again.
“OWWWWWW! Wait! Wait! I have an idea.” He paused to catch his breath. “Wait here. I’ll be right back in a minute or two.”
Brad, still standing on the chair, slowly banged his forehead on the wall
Minutes later, David returned, smiling. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll raise my arms, and you pull it over my head.”
“What’d you do?” asked Brad.
“You’ll see,” said David. He raised his arms over his head and then bent forward at the waist, as though kow-towing to Brad. Brad grabbed the shoulders of the shirt and pulled.
“Keep pulling,” said David.
Brad pulled again and again. “Nothing’s happening!”
“Yes it is!” said David. “It’s coming! Keep pulling!
The shirt began to inch up over David’s torso, past his wide back, over his shoulders, and finally over his head and arms. He was finally free.
Brad let out a huge sigh of relief. He examined the hooks on the chains, the rivets, the leather….”Looks ok.” He said.
“Great,” said David.
“How’d you do it?” asked Brad. “Hey….” He held the shirt close to his nose and sniffed it again and again.
“Baby powder!” said David. “That silencer of squeaky floorboards, detangler of necklaces, and vanquisher of the dreaded chafing…the bane of every bodybuilder’s thighs. Makes things against your skin smooth, dry, and slippery.”
“Thanks,” said Brad.
“No problem. Have a great time.”
Brad slowly walked out of the gym, wondering how he was going to tell the leather clad men at the leather bar, why he smelled of baby powder.
2017