Wife Beater, Theater, Eye of the Beholder
DAVID 303
ACT TWO
(CUE ORCHESTRA: OVERTURE)
SCENE ONE
EARLY MORNING AT THE GYM. DAVID HAS JUST FINISHED HELPING A MEMBER ADJUST AN EXERCISE MACHINE. ENTER MR. GRAYSON, A LONG TIME MEMBER OF THE GYM.
MR. GRAYSON: David! Now you've been keeping secrets from me!
DAVID: Hey there Mr. G! What's this about secrets?
MR. GRAYSON: I didn't know Brad was quite the horseman!
DAVID: What?
MR. GRAYSON: All this time I've had not one, but two big buckeroos right in front of me.
DAVID: I'm sorry. What is it...exactly...that you're talking about?
MR. GRAYSON: Well, Brad of course. He was just telling me how he grew up on a horse ranch. Though he told me not to tell anyone because people would mob him for riding lessons. But I mean I can tell you can't I? You're safe. You already know how to ride.
DAVID: A ranch huh? I didn't know they had any horse ranches in Burbank.
MR. GRAYSON: No, no, no! Texas. The lone star state.
DAVID: Where in Texas?
MR. GRAYSON: He didn't say.
DAVID: Ask him.
MR. GRAYSON: And do you know what he rides?
DAVID: Um......let me guess. A Friesian?
MR. GRAYSON: No. A Cly--
DAVID: A Clydesdale!
MR. GRAYSON: Exactly. So you've know all this time. Why didn't you tell me?
DAVID: How many hands?
MR. GRAYSON: What?
DAVID: How big is his horse? How many hands?
MR. GRAYSON: Oh I don't know. He didn't say.
DAVID: Ask him.
MR. GRAYSON: Well, I will. Say...I would just love it if you and Brad would come riding with me and my daughter some Saturday. What do you say?
DAVID: I'd love to!
MR. GRAYSON: You two on horseback would just stop people in their tracks
DAVID: (Smiles) Well, thank you for the compliment. Hey, maybe Brad and I could you know...put on a little show for your wife and daughter? You know...have Brad demonstrate a full out gallop? Stuff like that. Personally, I think Brad on a spirited horse at a full out gallop would be a downright thrilling thing to see.
MR. GRAYSON: That's a great idea!
DAVID: Listen though. Don't tell him I said that. He's very...um...modest (coughs) and the best thing to do is to just bring him right up to the horse...so to speak. Otherwise he'll just think of ten million excuses. But don't you believe any of them. He loves to show off and--
MR. GRAYSON: You don't say.! Oh now I know you're only joking. I didn't think the word shy was in Brad's vocabulary.
DAVID: (Smiling) Um...I uh...I think a lot of words aren't in his vocabulary but what I mean is, don't tell him I said anything.
MR. GRAYSON: Oh I won't! Our secret's safe.
DAVID: Good.
MR. GRAYSON: Well, I've got to get going. Take care!
DAVID: Good talking with you.
MR. GRAYSON: (Calling out as he exits at stage left) We're still on for that barbecue, yes?
DAVID: You just say the word, sir! I'm there.
MR. GRAYSON: Bye!
DAVID: Byyyyyyy... (Whirls around and, with his head down, slaps his hands on the counter of the reception desk) ...yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyou son of a biscuit! You
GINA: (Laughs)
DAVID: You lying, weasly...
GINA: I almost lost it when you (laughs)....Oh gosh! Brad on a horse at full gallop!
DAVID: ...freakin' phony faker! (To Gina) I would give sooo much money to start that horse on its gallop! What I wouldn't give to slap that horse's butt!
GINA: You're talking about the four legged one, right?
DAVID: I guess so!
GINA: He is something else.
DAVID: That's the problem. I think there is something else. I'm not sure if that vain, pompous, buffoon act is real or not.
GINA: Well, I have to make some phone calls. Try not to wreck any furniture when you see him?
DAVID: I ain't makin' any promises.
GINA: Okay.
(EXIT GINA STAGE RIGHT)
CUE ORCHESTRA: POSER
DAVID: Gosh darn it!.....Gee whiz. Nothing but a slimy little poser!.....Mister Masculine, hah! You sure can run fast as a horse when the going gets tough though!
POSER
DAVID
Whenever I meet someone
as self-absorbed as you...
(oh but wait now...there's no one...)
...as self-absorbed as you,
I try to hold my tongue and just be still.
And if someone's self-aggrandizing,
whose ego ramps an uprising,
I've got to go...
or I know...
I will be ill.
But, boy, you take the cake.
For you have got to be the king of fake!
I've had it! And I wish that they all knew...
what isn't true...
for instance you...
are...
not...
a...
Bodyguard…
You guard the kids crossing the street!
You’re really afraid of mice,
And I’ve caught you twice
building pharmaceutically
those muscles you wave and flash
in exchange for cash.
Your whole life's a travesty! Oh and
Cowboy, huh?
I think the correct word is “bull”
“Bulls” really a fallacy.
There was one, you see,
‘Cuz I know officially,
..........it bucked once...
and then you tumbled and scraped your knee..
I'm still astonished at the sheer audacity,
of your strong propensity to shirk veracity,
Just one thing's greater than your crude mendacity
...you bulky bragger...
That would be your swagger,
like when you play a...
Boxing champ...
I don't recall where that fits in.
Before your construction days?
Or the Green Berets?
Or your firefighting phase?
I don't know which you love more,
the money or the cloying praise.
Gosh darn! Gee whiz.
You're gonna be found out...
one...
day.
You wear tank tops in December,
greeting friends you don't remember.
How do you keep all your roles in line?
So...
there...
fore...
With your postures and your clothes, sir,
you are what I’d call a poser.
...and lest they think you're selfish,
make sure they see (laughs)...all the
Charity…right,
As long as there’s something for you,
Oh, like your good name in print,
or a photo stint
in a raunchy magazine.
You’re the most transparent man...
I've...
seen.
With your barbell heavy-plated
Sounds like you are constipated.
Every move and sound is just for show.
And...
when...
you're...
waiting for the elevator,
flexed and tensed for each spectator,
doesn't take too much supposing...
You're not relaxed. You're posing!
Honestly,
I fret when you suck in your gut,
I'm scared that you'll choke to death
when you hold your breath
to look bigger than you are.
You really haven't fooled a soul...
so...
far.
(BRAD ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT)
BRAD: 'Sup dude?
DAVID (Holds himself in check and grins)
(BRAD EXITS STAGE RIGHT)
DAVID
And when you attest
how you so detest
blatant hypocrisy,...Hah!
I know it's only practice
for clients fond of modesty.
Grrrrr! (Shakes head)
Gosh darn. Gee whiz.
Oh you think you'll be...
believed..."Mister Masculine".
We'll see!
END: POSER
(APPLAUSE)
END SCENE ONE
2007