Brad, Theater, Eye of the Beholder
DAVID 300
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
To Hannahlo
ACT 1, SCENE 1
(CUE ORCHESTRA: OVERTURE)
(CUE ORCHESTRA: INCIDENTAL MUSIC)
(CURTAIN RISES ON THE INTERIOR OF EARL'S GYM IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. ONE VERY LARGE , BLOND AND VERY TANNED MAN IS CONSPICUOUS AT UPSTAGE, LEFT; BRAD IS SQUATTING WITH A BARBELL ON HIS SHOULDERS AND MAKING LOUD, DRAMATIC GRUNTS.
GINA, THE RECEPTIONIST, IS AT STAGE RIGHT, AT THE RECEPTION DESK. SHE IS PLAIN AND VERY OBESE. SHE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.
VARIOUS OTHER ACTORS ARE EXERCISING ON MACHINES OR MAKING SMALL TALK.
DOWNSTAGE, AT CENTER, ARE ANGELA, A PAINFULLY PETITE 10 YEAR OLD GIRL, AND JOSH, A YOUNG MAN OF 18 YEARS WITH BRACES AND CRUTCHES. THEY ARE TALKING ANIMATEDLY WITH MRS. GONZALEZ, AN ELDERLY WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR.
OFFSTAGE, THE NARRATOR'S DEEP, MELLOW VOICE ENDS THE INTRODUCTION:
NARRATOR...to doubt that beauty...is in the eye...of the beholder.
(GINA CROSSES FROM RECEPTION TO DOWN STAGE)
GINA: Attention! David's Special Class!
(ANGELA, JOSH, AND MRS. GONZALEZ TURN TO LISTEN)
GINA: David just called. He's going to be a few minutes late. He said to wait for him here in the gym.
ANGELA,: Okay
JOSH: Okay
MRS. GONZALEZ: Okay.
(GINA RETURNS TO STAGE RIGHT, RECEPTION DESK)
ANGELA: Josh! Are you gonna do the treadmill for 5 minutes today?
JOSH: I'm gonna try! I can't wait to tell the doctors when I do!
MRS. GONZALEZ: Today's the day. I can feel it.
JOSH: You think so?
ANGELA: (Jumps up and down) It is!
JOSH: Even if it isn't, I'll just try again. Like David says...it's not a matter of "if"...it's a matter of "when".
MRS. GONZALEZ: That's the spirit.
JOSH: You'll get better too, Angela.
ANGELA: (Shrugs) Maybe. I don't care.
MRS. GONZALEZ: Of course you will, dear.
ANGELA: Maybe I will eat one cookie. Just one.
(CUE ORCHESTRA: UNTIL THAT FINE DAY)
JOSH: One cookie's perfect, Angela. You can't get fat from one cookie.
ANGELA: I'm already huge!
MRS. GONZALEZ: But my dear, my dear...you're not.
UNTIL THAT FINE DAY
ANGELA:
Once I'm truly perfect,
and I prove my worth,
well then perhaps they'll love me,
when I lessen all this...this girth!
JOSH, MRS. GONZALEZ: But Angela!
ANGELA:
And until that fine day's beaming
like a lovely, longed-for new dawn,
at least here I've got room to dream...
flying like a graceful, white swan.
But here David tells me my vision is flawed,
that I am a sight to behold.
A graceful, white swan now,
is what I am told.
JOSH:
Once I lose these braces,
my whole world will change,
I'll prove I'm not a weakling,
No one will think I'm strange.
My father will be proud of me,
my brothers feel no shame,
I'll run and dance and be healthy,
when I stand tall, no longer lame!
and until that fine day...I'll wonder why...
why David reminds me that he
is proud of me right now,
But how can that be?
MRS. GONZALEZ:
I'm sure that one day you'll both find a way,
for you two have your whole lives ahead of you,
like my daughter and son who live far away
watching their children do what they do.
Though they'd both love to come visit me...
we'll have a visit sublime...
as soon as they can find time.
And though you must think
they're excuses for them.
Well maybe so, but I try...
to think of that fine day,
when they're in my arms...
(ENTER DAVID STAGE RIGHT. HE WAVES BRIEFLY TO GINA, WHO POINTS TOWARDS ANGELA, JOSH, AND MRS. GONZALEZ. DAVID CAREFULLY ADVANCES TOWARDS THEM SO AS NOT TO DISTURB THEIR SONG. THEY DO NOT NOTICE HIM, AND THEY CONTINUE:)
MRS. GONZALEZ:
...just think of that fine day,
when they're in my arms...(Trailing off)
ANGELA, JOSH, MRS. GONZALEZ (LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE):
How far away...?
How will we wait...until that day?
And each hour it's closer
by the day or by the year...
and so...
though we cannot foresee...
when that great day will be...
here we'll wait so patiently,
to welcome and commemorate
that magic day...for m--
DAVID:
You!
(MUSIC BEGINS TO SWELL TO A CRESCENDO. AS DAVID HOLDS "YOU" FOR THE NEXT FEW MEASURES, JOSH, ANGELA, AND MRS. GONZALEZ TURN TO SEE HIM AND SMILE. STILL SINGING "YOU", DAVID CROUCHES DOWN SLIGHTLY, POINTS AT ANGELA, AND THEN SIGNALS FOR HER TO COME. ANGELA RUNS AWAY FROM HIM, TO STAGE LEFT, THEN TURNS, AND LIKE A GYMNAST RUNNING TO VAULT, SHE SPRINTS TOWARDS DAVID. DAVID HOLDS OUT HIS RIGHT HAND IN FRONT OF HIM AS IF TO STOP HER, BUT INSTEAD, JUST BEFORE SHE REACHES HIM, SHE DIVES FORWARD INTO THE AIR, TRUSTING AND UNAFRAID, AND EXECUTES A SWAN DIVE ONTO DAVID'S UPTURNED, OUTSTRETCHED PALM. DAVID CATCHES HER AT HER CENTER OF GRAVITY; THE FRONT OF HER HIP, AND, BALANCED PERFECTLY ON HIS HAND, DAVID RAISES HER HIGH OVERHEAD WHERE SHE MAINTAINS HER ARCHED BACK, POINTED TOES, AND OUTSTRETCHED ARMS. SHE LOOKS LIKE A BIRD FLYING.)
(CUE ORCHESTRA: CRESCENDO)
DAVID FINISHES "YOU!" AND TURNS SO THAT ANGELA IS NOW FACING CENTER STAGE. HE TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARDS, "FLYING" ANGELA ALMOST TO CENTER STAGE,)
DAVID:
But for now you'll find a haven,
nothing cynical from me.
(WITH ONE MIGHTY SHOVE, HE PUSHES HER A FEW INCHES INTO THE AIR. SHE BRINGS HER ARMS CLOSE TO HER BODY AND TWISTS SEVERAL TIMES AS SHE FALLS SAFELY INTO DAVID'S ARMS. ANGELA RUNS TO STAGE RIGHT.)
DAVID:
and here you'll find surprising
what other eyes may never see,
(STANDING BEHIND JOSH, DAVID GRABS HIM UNDER THE ARMS AND LIFTS HIM EFFORTLESSLY A FOOT OFF THE FLOOR. FREED OF HIS OWN WEIGHT, JOSH LAUGHS JOYOUSLY AND PEDALS FURIOUSLY IN THE AIR AS THOUGH HE IS SPRINTING OR RIDING A BIKE.)
DAVID:
For you look up ahead to that wonderful day,
(DAVID RELEASES JOSH AND SUDDENLY GRABS THE HANDLES OF MRS. GONZALEZ'S WHEELCHAIR AND WITH A SUDDEN PUSH SENDS HER ACROSS THE STAGE. SHE SQUEALS IN DELIGHT AND BOBS UP AND DOWN, TRYING TO MAKE THE WHEELCHAIR GO FASTER. SHE IS CAUGHT BY ANGELA WHO IS WAITING AT STAGE RIGHT.)
DAVID:
but the real treasure's right by your side
The answer's sure to be...
(ANGELA AND MRS. GONZALEZ RETURN TO DAVID'S SIDE)
DAVID:
a novel visibility
(WITHOUT HIS CRUTCHES, JOSH BALANCES HIMSELF, HOLDING ONTO DAVID'S ARM FOR SUPPORT)
DAVID:
that you won't have the skill to see...
(ANGELA CLIMBS AND SITS ON DAVID'S RIGHT SHOULDER)
DAVID:
until that......fine day!
(AGAIN, DAVID HOLDS "DAY" FOR THE ENTIRE LAST SIX MEASURES OF "UNTIL THAT FINE DAY". ON THE DOWNBEATS OF THE FINAL THREE MEASURES:
1. MRS. GONZALEZ CLASPS HER HANDS NEAR HER HEART AND SMILES UP AT ANGELA.
2. JOSH ABRUPTLY STANDS AS STRAIGHT AND TALL AS A SOLDIER.
3. ANGELA SMILES AND STRIKES A GRACEFUL BALLET-LIKE POSE.
(END "UNTIL THAT FINE DAY")
(APPLAUSE)
BRAD: (Upstage, squatting with a barbell, ruining the triumphant tone of the scene) Unnnngnggggggghhhhhh!
DAVID: (Sighs and rolls eyes) Okay! (To Josh) You, young man, to the treadmill.
JOSH: Yes, sir!
DAVID: Wait till I get there!
JOSH: Okay.
ANGELA: I'll help him. Josh! Wait! (Runs after Josh).
DAVID: (Slyly, to Mrs. Gonzalez) Did you bring the cookies?
MRS. GONZALEZ: (Also slyly, produces bag of homemade cookies from basket in back of wheelchair) Of course!
DAVID: Okay. (To Mrs. Gonzalez) See you in a bit. AH! Wait! (Takes a cookie from Mrs. Gonzalez). Thanks!
(EXIT MRS. GONZALEZ STAGE LEFT)
(DAVID CROSSES TO STAGE RIGHT, TO RECEPTION DESK)
DAVID: (To Gina) This is for you.
GINA: (Smiling) Cookies? In a gym?
DAVID: You don't understand. These are for your mental health. Angela says (slowly looks left and then right, as though not to be overheard)...they're magic cookies.
GINA: Oh she does, does she?
DAVID: (Smiles and shrugs)
GINA: (Smiles, and then suddenly looks sad) I...I really shouldn't. Every little bit....
DAVID: (Breaks cookie in half). Take one or two a day. Do not exceed two in any 24 hour period. Must be taken with milk. Do not use while driving or operating heavy machinery. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, diminished obsessive compulsive behavior and feelings of oppression, and may include increased self control and contentment. Store at room temperature. Use only as directed.
GINA: (Grabs cookie half) You forgot "Do not drink alcohol when taking this...medication".
DAVID: A sip of champagne with Mrs. Gonzalez's lemon cookies has been known to affect miraculous cures. Got any?
GINA: Champagne? I'm sure! (Giggles) Here's your mail.
DAVID: (Smiles) Thanks!
(DAVID CROSSES TO CENTER STAGE AND SORTS THROUGH MAIL)
(BRAD LEAVES SQUAT RACK AND SWAGGERS OVER TO DAVID. COMING UP BEHIND HIM, HE LOOKS DAVID UP AND DOWN AS HE ADVANCES. HE STANDS NEXT TO DAVID, WHO IS TOO BUSY LOOKING THROUGH HIS MAIL TO NOTICE HIM. BRAD SUCKS IN HIS STOMACH AND HOLDS HIS BREATH. HE LOOKS AT DAVID AGAIN AND PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST. HE LOOKS AT DAVID AGAIN, SPREADS HIS SHOULDERS AND HOLDS HIS ELBOWS OUT TO HIS SIDES IN AN EFFORT TO LOOK WIDER. HE TAKES ONE LAST LOOK, AT THE FRONT OF DAVID'S SWEATPANTS, AND THEN HE THRUSTS HIS HIPS FORWARD. AND WAITS. AND WAITS. DAVID FINALLY NOTICES BRAD STANDING NEXT TO HIM.
BRAD: (Still holding breath) 'Sup, dude?
DAVID: Are you okay?
BRAD: (Finally lets out breath and relaxes) Yeah! (Gasps) Course I am! (Hacks and coughs violently)
DAVID: Say Brad, listen...I was wondering. Do you think you can keep the yelling down just a tad? I know you like to train with a certain amount of, uh, intensity, but it's kind of distracting to my class. (David shoves his mail in his pocket and begins to straighten up dumbbells strewn about the floor).
BRAD: Davey! When are you gonna give up on the little class? (Follows David)
DAVID: (shrugs)
BRAD: I can't let up on the noise, bro. It's part of my "mystique".
DAVID: Mystique?
BRAD: Yeah, you know. Brutal. Hardcore. Champion bodybuilder. That's me. Gotta let the people know.
DAVID: Champion, huh?
BRAD: Hey! (Points to himself) Mister Santa Monica last year! And I got the trophy to prove it.
DAVID: Aw, c'mon. You know and I know what happened. There were only three contestants...counting you.
BRAD: Yeah, well they don't need to know that.
DAVID: They? Who would "they" be?
BRAD: My clients.
DAVID: Oh.
BRAD: Say Davey. When are you gonna rack up some trophies? You got the build, man.
DAVID: (Looks proudly towards Angela and Josh, both playing in the corner) I...I've got trophies.
BRAD: You spend too much time with your little class. You could be making some big bucks as a personal trainer.
DAVID: (Sighs despondently) I know.
BRAD: Maybe even some modeling gigs. You're almost as good looking as me.
DAVID: Uh...thanks.
BRAD: You gotta get out there, man.
DAVID: Well, I might have something coming up. I just got back from France last week. I went for an interview. They're cooking up a new men's cologne, and they might want me to be the in the ads for it.
BRAD: A new cologne?
DAVID: Yeah. Maybe I'll get lucky. It's an interesting idea.
BRAD: Pffff. Yeah! If you want to smell like a big, hairy jock!
DAVID: (Looking indignant) It's gonna be high class for your information! It's gonna be done by Duval, the oldest ad agency in Paris. They're gonna name it after a figure from Greek mythology............Prometheus.
BRAD: A Greek god, huh?
DAVID: Yeah.
BRAD: Damn! I shoulda sent them my card! I mean, you've kinda got that Greek god thing going on, but the real Greek gods were blond and tanned.
DAVID: (Smiling and looking dubious) Is that so?
BRAD: Yeah. Everybody knows that. I kinda identify with one in particular. Can't remember his name though.
DAVID: Um...Narcissus, maybe?
BRAD: (Stops to think) Uhhhhh...nnnnno. Some other dude.
DAVID: Well, I'm just trying not to get my hopes--
BRAD: Oh! Oh oh oh! Check this out.
(PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN WALKS BY. BRAD STRIKES A POSE)
BRAD: Hey, baby. Are you lost? Cuz...heaven's a long way from here.
PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN: Go to hell, creep!
BRAD: (To David) She's playing hard to get. She wants me.
DAVID: Aw, c'mon Brad. Everybody knows you and I don't like girls that way.
BRAD: Yeah, but I don't want to break their hearts...all the way. I gotta give them the illusion that they at least have a chance to convert me. You know...give 'em something to live for.
DAVID: You're a man among men, Brad.
BRAD: (Snaps fingers) Adonis!
DAVID: What?
BRAD: Adonis. Wasn't there a dude named Adonis who was just the most irresistable guy in town?
DAVID: Uh....something like that.
BRAD: Yeah, that's me. It pays to be beautiful.
DAVID: Uh, yeah. I guess it does.
BRAD: Hey...(whispering) and I mean it pays...to be beautiful. C'mon man. I can get you....clients.
DAVID: I don't have time. I've got stuff to do here.
BRAD: But Davey! Bro! That's why you're always so very, very, very, very, very, VERY... broke!
DAVID: (Sighs and hangs head). I know.
BRAD: It's business.
DAVID: (Laughs)
BRAD: No, really! You market yourself. You negotiate fees. Make public appearances. Give discounts.
DAVID: You give discounts?
BRAD: Whatever I think will strike their fancy. First timers. Groups.
DAVID: (Shakes head in disbelief) Coupons?
BRAD: Damn! I didn't think of that one!
DAVID: Seriously now. How do you market yourself? Besides word of mouth, I mean.
BRAD: That's what I'm talking about. It's all about the "mystique".
DAVID: The mystique.
BRAD: Right. See, when guys want to, uh, date me, they're not just dating...me. It's the fantasy. That's the trick. You gotta get under their skin.
DAVID: Oh! Too much information.
BRAD: No. Not that way. Well, I mean, first you gotta find out what it is they want in a man, and then you find a way to be that man. For instance, see that guy over there in the blue sweats?
DAVID: Yeah? Mr. Grody. Nice guy.
BRAD: Vice President of one of the top banks on the west coast. We are talking...bucks!
DAVID: Why is he working out in an out of the way place like this?
BRAD: That's just it. He hangs out at all the top bodybuilding shows. He wants a champion bodybuilder. So......
DAVID: That's what you're gonna pretend to be.
BRAD: No, dude. That's what I am. He's not gonna pay for someone who just looks like a champion bodybuilder, or someone who can pretend to be a champion bodybuilder. He wants someone who is a champion bodybuilder, someone who eats iron for lunch. He wants a title winner...a trophy owner. Don't look now, but he's looking our way.
DAVID: No offense, but how do you know he's not looking at me?
BRAD: Dude! He is looking at you! But you're too busy being Howdy Doody to your little class. So... (Brad flexes a bicep)...later on, I'll just make my way over to the water fountain when he's there and strike up a conversation.
DAVID: Oh.
BRAD: Dude...I know people who want you!
DAVID: That's flattering, Brad. I just am not into that type of...clientele right now.
BRAD: Well, you're gonna need some kind of clientele eventually, otherwise the world is gonna pass you by. And I know what kind of grocery bill you have!
DAVID: (Sighs) Don't remind me.
BRAD: And didn't you say your folks were having some...financial problems?
DAVID: (Hesitates, Quietly) Y-yes.
BRAD: It'd be nice if you could send 'em a few bucks. That way your dad wouldn't have to sell his ranch.
DAVID: I know. I am.
BRAD: Don't even think you can make it your way. It'd be nice, but it's not gonna happen.
DAVID: We'll see.
(CUE ORCHESTRA: FOR A BUCK)
BRAD: Davey! You could learn from the master!
DAVID: (Smiles) And you could show me how, huh?
BRAD: Yeah, baby!
(BRAD TAKES CENTER STAGE)
DAVID: (Realizing that Brad is about to sing) Oh God.
BRAD: I could teach you a lot of things.
FOR A BUCK
(BRAD'S SONG)
BRAD:
You thought you knew it all
You thought you knew the score
But I can show you profit
like you've never seen before.
Some big bills gotta rustle
before they see some muscle.
So to make the dollars Davey
why you've got to learn to hustle!
CHORUS:
For...a...buck!
BRAD:
I'm yours in all my glory
CHORUS:
You're...in...luck!
BRAD:
Just be compensatory
CHORUS:
Life...don't...suck!
BRAD:
but you can do it honey and I'll be your cuddle bunny if you've only got the money!
(Woo hoo!)
DAVID: Brad? Can't you think of something else to do with yourself?
BRAD: Oh come on, Davey. It's time spent on things a lot better than your little class.
DAVID: It might be nice if you thought about someone else besides yourself for a change.
BRAD: I do, Davey! I wish my customers long life...and prosperity!
DAVID: So they can spend their prosperity on you.
BRAD: Yeah! All during their long lives!
BRAD:
You've got to advertise,
and be right on the ball,
and be ready for a steady
when they sidle up or call.
You shimmy and you shake.
You make their withers ache,
and you rock their little world
like a California quake.
CHORUS:
Come...and...see!
BRAD:
Here's some flexion for inspection.
CHORUS:
Not...for...free!
BRAD:
In the mirror, such perfection!
CHORUS:
Can...it...be?
BRAD:
Thank the Lord for my reflection and on further introspection, thank my ma for having me!
(Hey hey hey!)
DAVID: (Smiling) Brad, you're terrible.
BRAD: No! I'm helping the economy!
DAVID: Sure you are.
BRAD: It's supply and demand, baby! I demand, and they supply. Then I supply what they...are desperate for.
DAVID: Oh. Is that how it works?
BRAD: Of course!
BRAD:
To have a cover boy,
you've got to pay the price.
Have the money at the ready
or you know I'll say no dice because
we both know you're a chump,
but here's this pretty rump,
a-churning and a-burning
for a payment at the pump oh yeah I
CHORUS/BRAD:
want...that...dough!
BRAD:
Gimme MasterCard! Or Visa! Or else
CHORUS/BRAD:
there's...no...show!
BRAD:
Although you can get a teaser, so just
CHORUS/BRAD:
pay...me...bro!
BRAD:
You young hunk or you geezer, or my answer will be uh-uh and your blow job's just a blow.
(Oh oh oh!)
DAVID: I suppose you're right about the economy.
BRAD: Now you're talkin'!
DAVID: (Smiles and pokes Brad in the stomach) You buy your tan in a bottle? By the gallon?
BRAD: Hey!
DAVID: Your hair color too?
BRAD: That's low, bro. I worked hard for this tan.
BRAD:
Oh you've got to realize
that my waiting list is long,
that I'm not just any prize
and you can't have me for a song.
You want someone to love and
you wanna have a friend.
You can rent me by the hour.
Pay the statement at the end.
CHORUS:
For...a...buck!
BRAD:
These thighs are waitin' for you!
CHORUS:
You're...in...luck!
BRAD:
What kinks will we get into?
CHORUS/BRAD:
(What...a...schmuck)
BRAD:
(To David) Don't have the balls for liftin', so they hang around the barbells and they barter for some skin,
(uh-huh, uh-huh)
BRAD: (To girl walking by) Hey honey...you and me...someday...okay?. (To David) She wants me.
DAVID: She wants you dead, Brad.
BRAD: No, man. I see 'em. They got this totally amazing look of awe when I walk by.
DAVID: That's nausea, Brad.
BRAD: You're just jealous.
DAVID: No, I'm just nauseous.
BRAD:
They wanna see me flex,
and touch the pretty pecs.
Well cash is king so better bring
cuz I won't take no checks.
The King of Malibu
I'm the Venice Beach boy toy
All the rich guys stand in line
and they employ me to enjoy...
CHORUS:
All...his...best!
BRAD:
I saw you lookin' at me!
CHORUS/BRAD:
Feel...that...chest!
BRAD:
and other parts so nasty!
CHORUS/BRAD:
Ain't...you...blessed
BRAD:
to find such meaty candy, it's a dandy all day sucker you can savor for a fee!
DAVID: But Brad, don't you--
CHORUS:
Now...you've...got!
BRAD:
the muscle you've been craving.
CHORUS:
It's...so...hot!
BRAD:
But you'd better keep on saving!
CHORUS:
Who'd...have...thought
BRAD:
you'd beg me down on bent knee,
although I can tell quite clearly how addicting I can be
and nothing's clearer in the mirror and I love what I can see
and I can't fathom all the time that's spent to love and worship me,
...and that's just from me!
(Oh yeah)
(END "FOR A BUCK")
(APPLAUSE)
END SCENE 1
2007