Interview, Clothed, Shirt, Ellen
DAVID 698
Welcome back. We're here with my guest, David McAllister, and we're about to play everyone's favorite game...Burning Questions! So in case you don't know the rules, I read the questions and you have to say the first thing that pops into your head. Oh, and it has to be true. And then you ring the bell to lock your answer in. Got it?
Got it!
And please don't break the bell.
I'll do my best.
Okay. Here we go. First question. What do you love that most people hate?
Fruitcake.
(ding)
Who was your first crush?
Oh. I had two. Mark Slavic and Dennis Cowan.
(ding)
What was the most rebellious thing you did when you were a teenager?
Oh gee...let me see. Oh, I know. I snuck out....well actually, I didn't just do it once...but the last time I did it was...hah!..., the last time I did it. My bedroom was on the second floor of our house and my bedroom window looked out over the roof over the porch. We had this almost wraparound porch. And I used to climb out my bedroom window at night, walk down the roof of the porch and then slide down one of the uh, the poles...the supports...and onto the porch. And then I'd walk out to the road and hitchhike into town and hang out at the bars with my friends.
You did this so your parents wouldn't know you were gone.
Right. So, this one time...let's see. I was a senior in high school, and at that time I think I weighed about....about 280? Yeah, that's about right and--
(Audience gasps)
Oh my god.
Yeah. No, it might have even been around 290. But anyway, that roof over the porch...you know, in between the rafters it's just a thin piece of plywood and shingles. And all of that was about 100 years old. At least. And this one night as I was about halfway down I heard this big "Crack" under my feet. I took one more little step and I can feel the wood sinking and now there's this continuous cracking sound. So, in that moment I had to make a decision, and I had to make it quickly. Do I move down towards the edge of the roof and hope I make it before the shingles give way, or do I turn around and hope I make it back to my bedroom window.
And?
I took one more step down, the roof gave way and I went crashing down...straight down in a standing position...through the roof and onto the porch, and I hit so hard I cracked the floorboards of the porch. I ended up sitting in a hole in the porch with a really messed up ankle. And sure enough I saw the light in my parent's window go on and I heard my dad come bounding down the stairs. The front door bursts open and there he is in his pajama bottoms and a t-shirt with a baseball bat in his hand. He looks at me...and does he say, "Are you okay?" No! He says, "What was that noise?" So there I am in a heap in a hole in the porch with busted lumber and shingles all around me and I said, "What noise?"
(ding)
(Audience laughs)
When you have to be somewhere, are you early, on time, or late?
Early.
Ring the bell.
Oh. (ding)
Boxers or briefs?
Briefs. My boys need support.
(ding)
What's your favorite curse word?
I don't swear.
At all?
Nope. My parents don't either. They taught me that it was an exercise in self control--
Wow.
__and that it was more fun to make up words. Like my dad's favorite one, and you have to say it with conviction, is "Son of a biscuit!" Oh! He says, "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!" but that's not cussin' I don't think.
(ding)
Chocolate or--
Oh! My mom calls men that are idiots "Richards"
Why does she call them Richards?
Because Richard is another way to say dick.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Yes.
(ding)
When you look in a mirror, on what part of your body do your eyes linger?
My Richard.
(ding)
What do you sleep in?
A bed.
(ding)
No. I mean clothes.
Oh. Uh...underwear.
(ding)
Are you a member of the mile high club?
Yes. Oh wait. Does there have to be someone else involved?
2019