Magazine, Interview, Football, Sports Illustrated
DAVID 421
"Now...what is this about T-shirts?"
"I beg your pardon? T-shirts?"
"Oh god, you do that so well." (Laughs)
"Do what?" (Smiles)
"You look like a gigantic altar boy who's been accused of something terrible. I have to admit I had a moment of dread when I thought was asking the wrong person."
"Heh-heh. Me? Do something bad?"
"Yeah, you."
"I really was an altar boy, you know."
"YOU were an altar boy?"
"Yes, sir. For five years. St. Christopher's...'bout three miles from our ranch."
"So these accusations of you being dangerous....they're...totally unfounded."
"Me? Dangerous?" (Devilish grin)
"You don't go out of your way to...uh...intimidate your opponents."
(Shakes head) "Oh no. It's not in my nature."
"Okay, so...it's not in your nature, but do you ever do anything...out of character, for instance, say, wear a t-shirt that shows a dead bear, or a dead buffalo., or a 'gator on crutches? Or a Trojan out cold?"
"Oh my gosh, no! But--"
"Uh oh."
"__I might wear a t-shirt that has a teddy bear or a picture of a baby buffalo.. Who would be afraid of those? How could those hurt anybody? Right?"
(Shrugs. Grins)
"What about sayings?"
"Sayings?"
"Slogans, statements--"
"Oh. Well I have a few. But they're not directed at anyone...in particular."
"So you might say they're directed at everybody."
"Or I suppose...once in a while....there might be someone maybe a bit worried about their own capabilities? I hope I don't cause anybody to doubt themselves. Heh heh."
"You'd never taunt anybody."
"Heck no. With a teddy bear.?"
"Would you wear a t-shirt with another school's mascot on it?"
"I'd be happy to."
"Really?"
"Sure. And after, I could tack 'em up on the wall. Like........trophies."
"Tell me one of the sayings."
"Uh....,I have one that says 'It's not my fault I broke your bones.'"
"Oh geez."
"And uh...I got another that says, 'Oops...was that your neck?'"
"Are these along your back? Or--"
"No. They're across my chest. And then I got another one that says 'Concussion' and then it has that little bitty registered trademark symbol after it."
"Your specialty? Well that makes a statement."
"'Concussion' is the name of a band."
"Aha. Which makes the other person feel foolish for even thinking--"
"Why would I walk around wearing a t-shirt that's....threatening? It's all in fun. I got one that says, 'I hate when I get pieces of the other team stuck between my teeth' but a friend who's studying to be a dentist gave me that one."
"This has got to have made you some enemies."
"L'il ol' me?"
"Uh-huh."
"I--I--" (shrugs) "I don't see how." (Smiles)
"You're not trying to scare anyone."
"Gosh no. I just wanna be friendly. Just 'cause I knock 'em unconscious don't mean I'm not being friendly."
"Anybody ever challenge you?"
"To?" (Smiles)
"Fight? Arm wrestle?"
"Oh gosh no. That would just be a waste of time." (winks)
"What about this report I heard concerning you and Byron Carter in Miami."
"No, it wasn't in Miami. That was here."
"Oh. They were here."
"Right."
"Something about you and him outside the cafeteria...and a crowd formed?"
"Oh, it was nothing really. We were just having fun. At least, I think Byron had fun. He suggested it."
"Suggested what?"
"Well, on the way back to my table, I went over to theirs to introduce myself, and we all started talking about...well all kinds of things....working out, how to slide your thighs underneath those cafeteria tables. I think I mentioned the curse of chafing from having big thighs. Byron said he hated it, and then I said I'd heard it was very uncomfortable."
"Ohhh."
"What."
"And what else?"
"Well, somehow...I don't remember exactly how...(smiles)...we got onto the subject of how big us guys are getting, just on the college level even. 'Course....not all the weight is muscle--"
"For some."
"Right. Sometimes there's more muscle and sometimes there's just more......................uh...."
"Fat."
"Oh I would never say that. Some people get real sensitive with that word."
"Which I'm sure you were thinking at that moment."
"'Course I was! That's why I didn't say it. But anyway, that's when I pointed out that for a linebacker or defensive end, there's a real strategy and skill involved in aiming and moving all that......................"
"I'm not gonna finish that sentence for--"
"--mass."
(Laughs)
"And that's when Byron said that that's why pure muscle wasn't needed in those positions."
"And what did you say?"
"I said, 'Why Byron, you are probably right.'"
"And what happened?"
"You know.....I can't figure it out. The whole team sitting at that table went silent Then Byron leapt to his feet...well, as much as he could with his thighs underneath that table...and he said, 'Prob--! Come on bitch! I'll take you on right now! Don't you be gettin' in my face about your muscle! Gimme some of that pretty face of yours!' Obviously he had misconstrued something that I'd said."
"Obviously. So what did you do?"
"I apologized profusely for upsetting him. I said that when it came to pure.......mass, he was the world's authority. And then I offered him my cupcake."
"No."
"And then I offered to get him an additional one."
"Oh no."
"I was just trying to be friendly." (Grins)
"What did he do?"
"He asked me if I wanted to put my money where my mouth was. He bet me a hundred dollars that he could push me behind a line...right there."
"In the cafeteria?"
"Uh huh. I said that I was real happy that we could have a friendly contest rather than fighting and embarrassing ourselves, because you know, if we had really gotten into it, neither one of us would have "won". Plus my daddy would have given me hell when I got home. So I suggested that we go outside on the lawn. Somebody scratched a line in the grass, and we faced off."
"Now, how much does Byron weigh?"
"I think he weighed about 350 at the time."
"Which is about 25-30 pounds less than you."
"Yeah. Not that much though. But the crowd started forming, and I didn't want this to get too out of hand, so I smiled and said 'Ready?' And he said
'BRING IT ON!" you know, in kind of a rude tone."
"Imagine."
"So we both went down into a three point stance. He just aimed his gaze at the ground. Someone in the crowd said, 'On your mark....get set...." and I whispered, 'Psst...Byron....." and he looked up at me."
"Uh oh. Your eyes can lock up peoples' thought processes."
"Why, Dennis, I'll take that as a compliment! But anyway, I looked into Byron's eyes and I smiled, and then I said, 'Good luck', and I visualized a train with three engines and fifty cars loaded with cement, going downhill, with no brakes, on greased rails, with a strong tailwind, and Byron standing in the middle of the tracks in a perfect three point stance. And then we both heard, 'GO!'"
"And?"
"Well, it's pretty simple really. We collided and stopped each other. It was as if the immovable object had met the irresistible force. And then I bent down and dug my shoulder in just a little lower and I imagined pushing my foot down through the ground, and I straightened my leg. Then I pushed with the other leg and Byron moved backwards. His shoes were ripping up the grass. He was spinning his wheels, and mine were digging in. It was like I was doing one legged alternating squats, and with each push, Byron moved back and back and back. even though it looked like he was running forward. Finally, after about five,...well maybe twenty steps, I realized I must have crossed the line...in the grass, so, not wanting to embarrass Byron--"
"Of course not."
"'Course not...I suddenly stood up and took a step back. I feel bad that I didn't tell Byron that I was gonna do that because, well, you can imagine....he went, uh.....well, you know, back in England, when I was kid, me and my friend Eve used to go to this little, tiny, secluded park near our building, and in the winter, since it was so out of the way, we'd usually find the lawns still covered in a perfectly flat layer of snow even in the afternoons. And we'd make snow angels and everything, but one of our favorite things to do was to press our face into the snow to see if we could leave a perfect imprint."
"Let me guess. Byron--"
"Yep, 'Course the lawn was not as soft as new snow, but it's amazing what the sudden application of a substantial amount of f-..........mass...can do."
"Let's wrap this up. What'd you do with the hundred dollars?"
"I donated it to charity."
"You have a favorite?"
"Oh I have lots, but that one I donated to the Stanford Children's Mental Health Unit at Stanford Hospital."
"Any regrets that you didn't play football earlier?"
"Nope. I would have regretted not playing this year though. It's been a lot of fun, hard work, and I've learned a lot. Really. You can learn so much about what makes people tick, what they need, what they didn't get when they were younger, what they're afraid of, what makes them happy by observing the personalities in every arena of your life. The college football one has been very interesting. It's had its own unique lessons."
"Still no plans to play professional football?"
"Oh no. I'm flattered at all the offers, but that's not where I want to go."
"How much have you been offered?"
"More than I feel comfortable disclosing."
"Marketing?"
"Uhhh....I've gotten a lot of offers, but it would take up a lot of my time, which is why I didn't play football from the get go. Truthfully, I don't feel right promoting things that have nothing to do with me or the things I believe in. It's not really paying respect to their product or cause and it's not really self-respecting to me. There's a lot of prejudice aimed at athletes and bodybuilders as it is. I don't want to just be a face or a body that you can slap on anything."
"I hear you've been doing some print work for advertising."
"Actually, I haven't. I've been going to auditions, but I'm never quite what they're looking for."
"I think that's because no one has ever envisioned having someone like you in the flesh."
"That may be, but although I don't get the job, I have gotten lots of requests to model for photographers and for art classes."
"Can you see yourself being a world famous model someday?"
"You never know."
2009